Ever Listen to Your Own Inner Chatter?

Why the voice in your head might be sabotaging your happiness, and how to make it your ally. Let’s talk “Self-Talk”.

Aug 27, 2025

Culture, a dash of humour, and psychology, all packed up for poolside reading.

Do You Ever Hear What You Say?

“I was talking to myself,” when someone stopped us in the street, thinking we were addressing them, we’d sheepishly reply before the smartphone era.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t realise I was talking out loud to myself” was another response for colleagues we’d bump into down office corridors, who’d stare at us wide-eyed as if we’d lost our marbles.

Mind you, before smartphones, talking out loud without a phone in your hand was rather impossible — but today the world seems like a Tower of Babel inhabited by raving lunatics.

Talking loudly has become, alas, in many parts of the world, a calamitous — no, absolutely ghastly — habit of people wanting to show they’re saying important things to important people. Even when they’re walking stiff like peacocks, simply listening to their partner’s telling-off because they’ve forgotten to collect little Johnny from school.

So today we’re chatting about self-talk, which has nothing to do with muttering to yourself things like “remember to pick up the children from school.” Rather, it’s the internal dialogue a person has with themselves, which can include positive or negative thoughts.

What Is Internal Dialogue?

Repetition is the mother of learning — I used it with my students and it really works. So repeating the definition of internal dialogue won’t hurt, even for those already in the know.

Internal dialogue is that little voice in your head that comments on everything you do. And even on every thought: i.e. thoughts commenting on thoughts. Creepy, eh?

But, not the voice that says “mmm, this pizza’s lovely,” but the sneakier one that whispers “are you sure you deserve this pizza? Look how squishy round the edges you became. Nobody fancies you!”

It’s like having an invisible flatmate who doesn’t pay rent but always has an opinion about everything. Sometimes it’s your best mate cheering you on: “Come on, you can do it!” Far more often, it’s rather like a particularly vicious theatre critic who’d pan even Shakespeare.

The thing is that the voices in your head are never pleased with anything you do and take great pleasure in pointing this out every single time. Well, they don’t really — you’re actually the one creating those voices and giving them your undivided attention.

The interesting and quite bizarre feature of being human is that this dialogue never stops. It’s like the background music in shopping centres — once called “elevator music” or Muzak — most of us don’t even notice it, but it’s always there. Just like that music, the speakers can play wonderful melodies, turning up your good mood, or blast nothing but irritating adverts or tunes that ruin your state of mind, get on your nerves, and turn you into a flat tire.

Do We Really Talk to Ourselves Even When We’re Talking to Others?

Absolutely. It’s as if we’re having two simultaneous conversations: the external one with the person in front of us, and the internal one with our personal judge.

Whilst you’re chatting with a mate about the weekend, your internal dialogue might be having a completely different discussion: “Why did I say that? Sounded stupid. Now they’ll think I’m a right pillock. And why do I keep touching my hair? I’ll look nervous.”

It’s like being at the theatre and having to follow both the action on stage and the whispered comments from the spectator next to you — who in this case is always you.

Sometimes this double track helps us (makes us notice the other person seems sad and we should be more understanding), other times it completely sabotages us (makes us so anxious we forget what we were saying).

But when we’re unaware of ourselves, light-years away from the present moment, when we’re irritated by something the other person is saying or doing, then the internal dialogue transforms into a series of ready-made responses that we can’t wait to fire off the moment our conversation partner pauses for half a second to breathe. They’ve unknowingly dug their own grave because the voices in our head are pushing and shoving to get out and, as often happens, cause damage — dragging the conversation topic onto ourselves, our opinions, our negative experiences, and our need to dominate the discussion.

When Does Internal Dialogue Become Mischievous?

Internal dialogue becomes a troublemaker when it converts from advisor to bully. Rather like what you’ve just read in the previous paragraph. It’s like having a partner who goes from useful reminder (“remember to buy milk”) to sadistic drill sergeant (“you’re always the same forgetful fool, you’ll never amount to anything”).

The warning signs are as clear as a red traffic light: when your thoughts become a broken record of criticism, when every mistake turns into a catastrophic narrative, when “I made a mistake” becomes “I’m a complete failure.” It’s the difference between saying “I made an error” and “I always get it wrong.”

Harmful dialogue is also the kind that generalises everything: “always,” “never,” “everyone thinks that,” “it should be otherwise.” It’s like having a solicitor who works against you instead of proving your innocence. Not exactly the sort of legal representation you’d want in life, is it?

How to Talk to Ourselves to Change Our Reactions?

The good news is that you can sack your toxic inner critic and hire a more competent consultant.

First rule: treat yourself as your best friend. If your mate fails an exam, you’d never say “you’re stupid and lazy.” You’d rather motivate with “happens to everyone, next time will be better.” Why not use the same kindness to yourself?

Second tactic: challenge your thoughts as if you were a fussy detective. When you think “I’m a disaster,” ask for concrete evidence. “Really? Always? Or perhaps just in this specific situation?” It’s like being Sherlock Holmes in your head — much less dramatic, but decidedly more useful.

Third strategy: practise daily gratitude. Doesn’t have to be anything grand — just notice positive things each day. It’s like watering a plant: small, consistent gestures that over time create something beautiful. Here’s how to do that.

A Tip That Works Wonders, I’ve Been Using It For Years.

When you do something, anything at all, think out loud the following phrase: “Good on me!” Or “I did the right thing.” Or even “Brilliant move!” Or again, “It was the right thing to do.” To me, the best ones are the simplest, such as:

“Good on me!”, “Nice one!”, “Well done, me!”, “That was smart!”, “I nailed it!”.

Nothing else. Pure and simple awareness, our action makes us feel good because we acted out of our deepest “self”; we have achieved the goal we judged best for us, and this makes us feel “whole” and perfectly attuned to ourselves.

Here’s a ridiculously mundane example yet effective. Nippy morning, and you’re waiting for the train? Pack a jumper. When you put it on and feel warmer, tell yourself, “Good on me for bringing this!” Sounds daft, but I promise — that warm feeling in your stomach the affirmation generates is as lovely as your favourite cuppa on a winter’s day.

Call it self-help or whatever, never mind. I know it works because I tried it on myself with no life coach or free webinar support.

Final Note

Self-talk is like British weather: it can be unpredictable, but with the right tools, you can learn to manage it. It’s not about cutting out negative thoughts or wanting them never to arise (that would be like expecting it never to rain), but learning to recognise them and respond more constructively, slowly learning to let them go their own way and replacing them with positive and beneficial thoughts.

Remember: you’re the only person you spend every single moment of your life with. It’s worth learning to be good company for yourself.

Signing off for now, until our next rendezvous… thank you,

Featured image: Freepik

Originally published at Medium on Aug 25, 2025

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